“Heaven is constantly shifting shape because it is a history of subconscious human longings.
Show me your
heaven, and I’ll show you what’s lacking in your life. The desert-dwellers who wrote the Bible and the Koran lived in thirst – so their heavens were forever running with rivers and fountains and springs. African-American slaves believed they were headed for a heaven where “the first would be last, and the last would be first” – so they would be the free men dominating white slaves. Today’s Islamist suicide-bombers live in a society starved of sex, so their heaven is a 72-virgin gang-bang. Emily Dickinson wrote: ” ‘Heaven’ – is what I cannot Reach!/The Apple on the Tree/Provided it do hopeless – hang/That – ‘Heaven’ is – to Me!”"
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CHAPTER IV. MAKING NO SENSE OF IT ALL
Ego Problem
Humility must be my plan.
Worship Jesus as much as I can.
He wants me to praise him!
(Why did Mary raise him
to be such an arrogant man?)
Lost Cause
Lord God made a pretty bad bet
sending Jesus to settle my debt.
He who died for my sins
can just do it again
‘cause I ain’t stopped committin’ ‘em yet.
Intercession
Sweet Jesus, you know I adore you,
but plenty of folks lived before you.
You came late to the scene
if you know what I mean.
Have mercy on them, I implore you.
J.C., you have always been kind.
Here’s a thought that I hope you won’t mind.
You could hold make-up classes
to save all their asses
and get yourself out of this bind.
Holy Arithmetic
I can picture the Heavenly Host -
But a Father, a Son and a Ghost?
How one dude can be three
is a mystery to me –
That’s the puzzle that puzzles me most.
Heavenly Choices
Some problems with heaven disturb me.
Won’t those stuffy Believers perturb me?
Do I get a new body?
Do I get to be naughty?
Or will God and his crew try to curb me?
Lord, you’ve promised no sorrow or woe there.
And the angels put on quite a show there.
Here’s the question complex:
Do the angels like sex?
If it’s no, then I don’t want to go there.
Fishers of Men
(Fish? Or Cut Bait?)
Christ said, Fish for men in the sea!
I’ve taken his words literally.
But I cast my net down
and I pull up a clown.
That advice isn’t workin’ for me.
The Gospel, According to Mason and Dixon
In the South there are Christians galore.
These people adore keeping score.
Being gay is a sin,
if you’re poor you can’t win,
if you’re black they subtract even more.
The Savior, who sees this as well,
thinks His lessons were clear as a bell.
These folks aren’t worth savin’
the way they’re behavin’ –
I’m sendin’ ‘em all straight to Hell.
J. C. Is O.K.
J. C. was a very cool dude –
way ahead of his time (which was crude.)
We could use him these days -
the Progressives would praise,
but Conservatives might come unglued.
But Is God A Republican?
That question is worth some debate.
Democratic ideals aren’t so great.
Jesus talked about caring
and giving and sharing
but strong folks need someone to hate.
Our wealth we must never deplete.
All these hand-outs could spell our defeat.
And when things go awry
blame some devilish guy.
That’s the sensible way to compete.
God Talks with Al Gore About Global Warming
You – and your science – are small.
You forget whose controlling it all.
I hate to defy you
but if I want to fry you
I won’t need those charts on the wall.
Diagnosing the Christian Deity
This case is exceedingly odd.
The guy’s got his shorts in a wad.
His delusions are grand
and he can’t understand
his name is not Almighty God.
Though he talks like a happy high-liver,
his tantrums can make a man quiver.
Mood swings are excessive -
he’s passive-aggressive,
makes promises he can’t deliver.
Sometimes he’s quite a cajoler –
more often a nasty controller.
Today – a cool sage.
Tomorrow – hot rage!
This God-boy is clearly bi-polar.
The Fundamental Facts
Evolution is really quite odd -
a theory we cannot applaud.
You find scholars impressive?
These fools are obsessive -
and EVIL for challenging God!
Poor Darwin did not recognize
that Truth must descend from the skies.
Let me ask once again:
Are you monkeys or men?
Good men never monkey with lies!
Riddle: Where In Hell Are We?
The heat from this place can be felt
when your brain does a gradual melt.
It’s quite large, but feels tight
when you don’t behave right.
Give up? It’s your own Bible Belt!
Another Riddle
Christians have put their own spin
on manners and morals and sin.
There’s not much they miss,
but with angels they guess
How many can dance on a pin?
Why Won’t God Reveal Himself?
I used to enjoy blind-man’s-bluff,
hide-and-seek, and other kid-stuff.
But this Hider’s still hidin’.
that’s why I’m decidin’
This game has gone on long enough.
Devilish Logic
Sometimes I express my frustration
with a world full of cruel devastation.
Then some church-going jerk
tells me: Satan’s at work!
But God is in charge of salvation!
Pastoral Counseling
If you think you’re a miserable sinner,
and your prospects for Heaven grow thinner,
Don’t despair; just BELIEVE!
God has tricks up his sleeve.
He could still declare you a winner.
Free At Last!
I have prayed, I have bowed, I have scraped.
My brain has been washed and reshaped.
Now this 3-in-1 God
is revealed as a fraud.
Thank the Lord, I have finally escaped!
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I humbly thank and dedicate this outrageous little book -
To my dear dad, who loved Limericks, and who would be sitting high in Paradise, if only it existed.
To the dedicated church and Sunday school preachers and teachers who did they best to imbue me with their versions of Truth.
To my mother, who was always mercifully silent on such subjects.
To my three deeply moral and highly irreverent sisters.
To my honest old aunty who, on my Lutheran confirmation day, looked me straight in the eyes and said, “You don’t really believe all that crap, do you?”
And to many God-fearing Christian friends who have helped me to understand how seriously I reject their view of this world and whatever lies beyond. Such faith leaves me in a state of shock and awe.
- PeachTree Grandma
The Unholy Scriptures: Summarized and Pulverized used with permission by LiberatedMind.com
CHAPTER III. GETTING THE WORD OUT
The Council of Nicaea
(Or: The Value of a Good Editor)
Boys, you’ve written a good, strong beginnin’
Now follow with plenty of sinnin’.
We need rape, we need war,
and a whole lot of gore,
and nothin’ that’s written by women.
That virginal twist was inspired.
What talented fellas I hired!
A bush that is burnin’
will keep pages turnin’
but poetry sure makes me tired.
Your description of heaven is swell.
Let’s expand on the fires of hell.
Boys, we’re nearly all done
and I do hafta run –
Do you think that this damned thing will sell?
Editing Genesis
Okay, fellas, gimme a break.
I’m a writer myself, for Christ’s sake!
That garden, I’ll buy -
and a weak-minded guy -
but you can’t keep the talking snake!
Editing the Virgin Birth
That’s an awfully bold fiction we’re shovin’
on people who understand lovin’.
But keep it! That story
leads Mary to glory,
along with the Bun in her oven.
The Easter Story (First Draft)
This chapter’s in really rough shape.
It reads like the work of an ape!
Can we leave this alone?
Empty tomb? Rolling stone?
A dead guy who makes his escape?
Nah, it won’t need a whole lot of fixin’ –
We do have one huge contradiction:
Nobody can rise
From a violent demise.
Let’s label it Creative Fiction!
The First Rejection Note
Such stories! How did you conceive ‘em?
You must have been tempted to heave ‘em!
Some tales are so wild
they would boggle a child.
Did you really believe we’d believe ‘em?
Acceptance – At Last!
I can’t say it doesn’t have flaws,
but we’ll publish this thing, just because
these words will control
the most miserable soul.
Yes, you’ve earned our respect and applause.
Human beings want to feel they are blessed.
Who wants a reality test?
Simple rulebooks are fine
to keep masses in line
but a guy in the sky is the best!
Public Relations
(Slogan: Truth or Consequences)
This Book contains God’s holy story –
a message of peace, hope and glory.
Anyone to reject it
is gonna regret it!
By God, make the consequence gory!
Things Get Ugly
Here’s my quick-and-dirty rendition
of a horror they called Inquisition.
Things got tougher and tougher -
but many must suffer
when God fortifies his position.
The Reformation
(Or: Martin Luther, the Decider)
Some say I am just splitting hairs,
but this Bible needs further repairs
so peasants can read it –
they’re the ones who will need it –
they can’t go through life unawares!
Pompous words are a problem to me.
They’re not user-friendly, you see.
Now, the miracles stay –
those are needed today –
people like magic acts, I agree.
That cannibal stuff needs revision –
I don’t care if I suffer derision.
Eat BREAD and drink WINE
or you’re no friend of mine.
That’s my answer! My final decision!
Next and last, Chapter 4 tomorrow!
The Unholy Scriptures: Summarized and Pulverized used with permission by LiberatedMind.com
Continued from Chapter I. Written by PeachTree Grandma.
CHAPTER II. THE NEW TESTAMENT
The Not-So-Immaculate Conception
Christian girls know that sex is taboo –
so many fun things they can’t do.
Mary sinned and she hid it.
She said a Ghost did it.
(Don’t know how she sold that, do you?)
Finding the Christ Child
Have you tried to follow a star?
That tactic won’t get you too far.
A star will elude
and you’ll have to conclude
that wherever you go, there you are.
Temple Elders Discuss the Boy Wonder
“My God, but this kid takes the prize.”
“I can hardly believe my own eyes!”
“I say that he’s fakin’!”
“Bets need to be taken!”
“A wise-ass? Or wonderfully wise?”
The Groupies
Twelve disciples – not one with a mate –
hanging out with The Lord until late.
I make no suggestion -
I just raise the question:
Do YOU think those cowboys were straight?
The Apostle Paul’s Conversion
(Or: A Funny Thing Happened on the Road to Damascus . . .)
There once was a tyrant named Saul.
That king wasn’t Godly at all.
God said, Presto! You’re blind!
Now maybe you’ll mind!
And that is how Saul became Paul.
Paul’s Advice Regarding Marriage
(Or: How to Douse Your Passion in a Jiffy)
After that, Paul was pretty uptight.
Hot sex really gave him a fright.
“Better marry than burn!”
That’s what he’d have us learn.
(I’m not too convinced he was right.)
Magic Trick #1: The Wedding at Cana
With the wine gone, the guests got abusive.
Jesus said, Please don’t think me intrusive.
I’ll make everything fine –
I’ll turn water to wine!
(That’s a miracle I could make use of!)
Magic Trick #2: Jesus Feeds the Multitudes
A boy with five loaves and three fishes
tried to satisfy everyone’s wishes.
Jesus looked to the sky,
shouted out MULTIPLY!
And behold! He filled hundreds of dishes!
Cheap Tricks (#3 and 4):
Jesus bragged, I don’t know if I ought-er -
but I can raise up your dead daughter.
What’s more, if you like,
I can take a wet hike.
Watch me! I am walkin’ on water!
Jesus Expels Money-Changers From the Temple
When money-men counted their loot
Our Lord had to give ‘em the boot.
Oh, what would he say
about Wall Street today?
Holy Moses! This place is a hoot!
On the Road to Emmaus
Down the road two disciples were goin’
when a spook up ahead started glowin’.
That’s our dead friend, J.C.!
He’s alive as can be!
What a sad lack of faith we’ve been showin’!
Cleanliness is Next to Godliness
His robes were as white as the snow -
quite a trick in the desert, you know.
Jesus knew how to groom
from manger to tomb –
as the Hollywood movies will show.
Jesus Is Finished
A Limerick is not the right format
for death – so I will not explore that.
God asked him to die
And he had to comply.
Oh, why was he such a damned doormat?
Next up, Chapter III!
The Unholy Scriptures: Summarized and Pulverized used with permission by LiberatedMind.com
A dear reader of mine wrote these witty limericks about the bible. She asked that her identity be anonymous and took on the pen name “PeachTree Grandma”. She tells me her grandchildren are having their brains washed and spun-dry in a fundamental Christian school every day, plus church on Sunday, which breaks her heart. These delightful writings poke fun at the ludicrous bible stories, enjoy and please comment below if you have the time. I am certain she would appreciate feedback. 
THE UNHOLY SCRIPTURES:
Summarized and Pulverized
by PEACHTREE GRANDMA
FOREWORD
This was written from utter frustration
Now I’m sending it out to the nation.
Freethinkers, unite!
We must fight for the right
To engage in some sane conversation.
CHAPTER I. THE OLD TESTAMENT
In the Beginning
Modern scholars, who claim to be bright
say the world wasn’t built overnight.
That thinking must go.
This is God’s Magic Show –
fast-moving, designed to excite.
First act was a lighting display,
Making sunshine was mere child’s play.
Then he strung up the stars,
and the ball we call ours.
(He’s holding those strings yet today.)
Wind and water were next; after that,
forms of life – tall and small, fat and flat.
He performed for six days,
then He needed some praise
so He pulled YOU and ME from his hat!
Paradise Lost
Eden was such a fine place,
but Adam and Eve fell from grace.
A forked tongue was to blame –
yes, a snake brought them shame.
God hissed, What an utter disgrace!
And God’s heart continued to harden.
He was not in the mood for a pardon.
I’ll make you aware
that your bodies are bare,
then kick your butts out of this garden!
High and Dry
It’s your duty, Noah! Don’t shrink!
Go build me a ship that won’t sink.
Bring the critters aboard!
Don’t complain to the Lord!
You’ll get used to the almighty stink.
Bring some dinosaurs too – don’t forget ‘em.
They might go extinct if we let ‘em.
Bring extras! I fear
we have meat-eaters here
and it wouldn’t be wise to upset ‘em.
Forty days, forty nights they all float.
They get off on a mountain remote.
What? You think it’s a fable?
Well, swim if you’re able!
You don’t get to ride on our boat!
Joseph and his Dandy Coat
Joseph’s dad liked him better than best -
Gave him clothes that outdid all the rest.
Said his mean, jealous brothers,
If we had our druthers,
we’d put this young buck to the test.
Let’s throw his ass down a deep well!
That’s something he won’t live to tell!
But God helped him out –
(This gets lengthy, no doubt.
Short version: It all turned out swell.)
Jonah Gets Lucky
A whale swimming deep in the sea
sucked in Jonah as slick as could be,
Spit him back – a whole man!
(Swallow that, if you can
but it sounds pretty fishy to me.)
Daniel Gets Lucky Too!
Now picture this scene: (I’m sure tryin’!)
A boy and a ravenous lion.
The kid’s in a huddle,
the beast wants to cuddle.
(Do ya’ think it’s the lion that’s lyin’?)
Shadrak, Meshak, and Abendigo
Three fellas with weird-sounding names
got a chance to go dance in the flames
They should have been torched
but they weren’t even scorched.
Why CAN’T God keep playing these games?
A Towering Truth
Some Biblical types were hardscrabble.
The worst were no better than rabble.
They hollered in tongues
at the top of their lungs.
and that’s how we got the word BABBLE.
David Slays Goliath
His slingshot was merely a toy
and David was such a small boy.
Yet he killed a giant tall
with no trouble at all.
(Now a tale that tall I enjoy!)
Biblical Hussies
A. Delilah Cuts Up
That girl is a Biblical floozy.
With partners she’s never been choosy
Sampson falls in her lair.
She cuts off his hair –
(Read the story – it’s really a doozy!)
B. Salome Cuts Down John-the-Baptist
This hussy sure knows how to swish.
King says, Darlin, what is you wish?
She says: John-Boy – DEAD! I want his fat head!
Cut it off! Bring it here on a dish!
C. Lot’s Wife Is Petrified
God declares: Soddom’s a hole!
Better leave before heads start to roll.
Straight ahead! Do not halt!
Or I’ll turn you to salt!
But that woman has no self-control
Moses Leads His People Out of Egypt
The desert would have to be crossed,
though the map and directions were tossed.
They wandered and wandered,
four decades they squandered.
Their leader was hopelessly lost.
They found moral guidance, however –
ten rules to confuse us forever:
Don’t be crude! Don’t have fun!
Worship Me, or you’re done!
All in all, quite a useless endeavor.
More About Moses and Those Blasted Commandments
Moses hiked up Mt. Sinai alone
to follow a light he’d been shown.
He and God had a talk;
God wrote rules on a rock.
(Who says nothing’s written in stone?)
Manna in the Desert
When travelers were in a bad way,
God used to throw manna, they say.
Many folks are still needy,
but God’s gotten greedy.
He’s tossin’ no biscuits today.
Moses Parts the Waters
Did you know the Red Sea can divide?
Make a passage that’s straight, dry and wide?
There isn’t much to it,
but in order to do it,
you have to have God on your side.
Once all the good guys have passed through,
here’s another cool trick you can do:
Close that ocean up tight!
It’s a rib-tickling sight
when you drown all the clowns who pursue!
Chapter II: The New Testament is up next!
The Unholy Scriptures: Summarized and Pulverized used with permission by LiberatedMind.com
1. GIVE IT UP. Every Lent it never fails: my Facebook news feed is loaded with Christian acquaintances posting what superfluous toy or 
food they have decided to deprive themselves of for 40 days. I vaguely recall a passage in the gospels where Jesus rebukes the Pharisees for publicly displaying their fasting and how god will not “count” it on the list he is supposedly making and checking (twice). You poor martyrs! How terrible that you have to do without soda, candy, chocolate, video games, TV, etc for a WHOLE FORTY DAYS. Have you given any thought as to all those who live in abject poverty and NEVER have ANY of that stuff? How arrogant of you to think that your god will reward you for giving up such luxuries when so many starve to death every day because they have nothing to eat? Four years ago I gave up eating all processed sugars, sodas, fast food and excess. I have never owned a video game and have not owned a TV for 3 years. I do this because it benefits my health and encourages exploration of the world. I fail to see how you giving up candy for Lent and complaining about it does anything to benefit you or those who go without every day of their lives. For Lent, try giving up God and see how clear things become.
2. FISH. If you have ever cooked a meal for Christians on a Friday in Lent, you know about how they “deprive” themselves on Fridays in Lent (only 4-5 Fridays in the year) and make a big deal to make sure everyone knows they 
can’t “eat meat”. The last time I checked, fish was meat. This whole fish on Fridays tradition has an interesting metamorphoses through history. Fasting rules for Catholics in particular used to be very strict. It progressed from no meat allowed on EVERY Friday of the year to only Wednesday and Fridays during Lent and then lastly to “no meat” on only Fridays during Lent. Then, as people tend to do, the faithful found a loophole in their rules because they did not “count” fish as meat by saying that it came from water animals, not land animals. After decades of their flock bending the rules so they could have fish on Fridays, the Catholic Church under Pope Paul VI decided to allow Fish on Fridays in 1966. Now, I don’t mind accommodating my vegan friends, people with allergies or intolerance to certain foods. What does bother me is the “poor me” message that “fasting” Christians bring to my dinner table and to the world. McDonald’s even caters to their “fast” season, commercializing and capitalizing on the pointless tradition of one religion. I fail to see how eating expensive fish, now in short supply is a sacrifice.
Another problem with Christians eating Fish on Fridays is overfishing and how much Christianity has helped to decimate global fish populations.1 Fish is an expensive, rare meat on our over-fished planet. Christians are happy to help themselves to the almost extinct Tuna and Salmon in the name of their religious “fasting”. Eating a delicacy is a far cry from depriving one’s self in the name of Jesus. I also fail to see how encouraging people to consume fish during Lent is an example of good stewardship of the earth.
3. OBESITY. The thin priest will talk about it, but the fat ones won’t touch the subject. Gluttony, one of the ‘seven deadly sins’, plagues a large swath of the faithful across all Christian divides. They sit in their pews and hear about how they should give in charity, deny themselves pleasures. Yet they exit church each Sunday to find a doughnut at the community hall and fail 
to connect how eating 2 to 3 times the amount of calories needed to live each day equates to starving children dying in third world countries. Even here on American soil, families are finding it difficult to find enough food to survive and the pious obese flock to church every Sunday to be reassured by their pastor that they are checking off all the necessary dates to be admitted into heaven. This type of hypocrisy abounds during Lent when the biblical reading encourage homilies about abstinence, moderation, charity and self denial. Obesity is perhaps the most un-Christian behavior of all, exercising gluttony, sloth, greed, addiction, destruction of your “god-given” body and a complete lack of compassion for those who have no food to eat. I fail to see how being 200 pounds overweight exemplifies Christian behavior.
4. TRADITION. If you ask a Christian why they celebrate Lent, the common response is because Jesus went into the desert for 40 days. There he supposedly ate no food and was tempted by the Devil. The irony in this is that to remember this improbable story, Christians “deprive” themselves of American comforts and “fast” on Fridays, even though they found the loophole of eating meat. It is almost as meaningless as reenacting the cannibalism of eating the flesh and blood of Jesus with wafers and cheap wine. Oh wait… they already do that.
5. HISTORY. Let’s put the record straight. There are rumors out there that Pope Paul IV had monetary interest in seeing a budding new fishing industry succeed. It is not improbable, but still devoid of sources. Pope Paul IV was rumored to have had a mistress who’s husband owned a fishing fleet. What is known about Pope Paul IV was his strong Antisemitism and his major role during the Inquisition. In 1555 he issued canon law forcing Jews to live separate from Christians, which created the Roman Ghetto. He strengthened and reorganized the Inquisition and believed that outside of Catholicism there was no salvation. He also had fig leaves painted over the nudes in the Sistine Chapel. 2, 3
———————————————————————————
REFERENCES
1. The Pope and the Price of Fish, Full article
3. NNDB
He hasn’t been in the news much because of Michael Jackson’s death and the ensuing media orgy over Jackson, but Sanford has some disturbing quips building up in his name.
The first comes from Limbaugh a few weeks ago who said:
LIMBAUGH: This Sanford business! I’ll tell you, one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind, with Mark Sanford … this is the first thought: What he did defies logic. This is … more than being 180 degrees out of phase because of lust, or love. To split the scene for five days, and we know he’s been separated, and he knows, by the way, that the newspaper in his state has the emails between him and his concubine down there in Argentina, he knows this. He knows that somebody knows what’s going on. He knows his wife knows. So he ups and leaves for five days, doesn’t leave anybody in charge of the state, in case there’s an emergency. This is almost like: I don’t give a damn! Country’s going to hell in a handbasket. I just want out of here! He had just tried to fight the stimulus money coming to South Carolina. He didn’t want any part of it. He lost the battle and said “What the hell? The Federal government is taking over! I want to enjoy life!”
Sanford dug his grave a little deeper this week by stating that he will not be stepping down from his office. Why not? Well, he claims to find inspiration from the bible citing the story of King David. King David fornicated multiple times and still kept his power, so Sanford would like us all think he should get a second chance because a bible story character “did it too”. Never mind the passages in the bible where it says that fornicators can not get into heaven, etc etc. Here is the clip:
Never mind that Sanford was one of the first to jump down Clinton’s back when he had his little white house naughty hour.
Ouch. I guess he has changed his mind about that now… its double standard time!
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