LiberatedMind.com » Atheist Humor

The Unholy Scriptures: Summarized and Pulverized, Ch. 4

LiberatedMind.com — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 13:12:10 +0000

CHAPTER IV. MAKING NO SENSE OF IT ALL

Ego Problem

Humility must be my plan.

Worship Jesus as much as I can.

He wants me to praise him!

(Why did Mary raise him

to be such an arrogant man?)

Lost Cause

Lord God made a pretty bad bet

sending Jesus to settle my debt.

He who died for my sins

can just do it again

‘cause I ain’t stopped committin’ ‘em yet.

Intercession

Sweet Jesus, you know I adore you,

but plenty of folks lived before you.

You came late to the scene

if you know what I mean.

Have mercy on them, I implore you.

J.C., you have always been kind.

Here’s a thought that I hope you won’t mind.

You could hold make-up classes

to save all their asses

and get yourself out of this bind.

Holy Arithmetic

I can picture the Heavenly Host -

But a Father, a Son and a Ghost?

How one dude can be three

is a mystery to me –

That’s the puzzle that puzzles me most.

Heavenly Choices

Some problems with heaven disturb me.

Won’t those stuffy Believers perturb me?

Do I get a new body?

Do I get to be naughty?

Or will God and his crew try to curb me?

Lord, you’ve promised no sorrow or woe there.

And the angels put on quite a show there.

Here’s the question complex:

Do the angels like sex?

If it’s no, then I don’t want to go there.

Fishers of Men

(Fish? Or Cut Bait?)

Christ said, Fish for men in the sea!

I’ve taken his words literally.

But I cast my net down

and I pull up a clown.

That advice isn’t workin’ for me.

The Gospel, According to Mason and Dixon

In the South there are Christians galore.

These people adore keeping score.

Being gay is a sin,

if you’re poor you can’t win,

if you’re black they subtract even more.

The Savior, who sees this as well,

thinks His lessons were clear as a bell.

These folks aren’t worth savin’

the way they’re behavin’ –

I’m sendin’ ‘em all straight to Hell.

J. C. Is O.K.

J. C. was a very cool dude –

way ahead of his time (which was crude.)

We could use him these days -

the Progressives would praise,

but Conservatives might come unglued.

But Is God A Republican?

That question is worth some debate.

Democratic ideals aren’t so great.

Jesus talked about caring

and giving and sharing

but strong folks need someone to hate.

Our wealth we must never deplete.

All these hand-outs could spell our defeat.

And when things go awry

blame some devilish guy.

That’s the sensible way to compete.

God Talks with Al Gore About Global Warming

You – and your science – are small.

You forget whose controlling it all.

I hate to defy you

but if I want to fry you

I won’t need those charts on the wall.

Diagnosing the Christian Deity

This case is exceedingly odd.

The guy’s got his shorts in a wad.

His delusions are grand

and he can’t understand

his name is not Almighty God.

Though he talks like a happy high-liver,

his tantrums can make a man quiver.

Mood swings are excessive -

he’s passive-aggressive,

makes promises he can’t deliver.

Sometimes he’s quite a cajoler –

more often a nasty controller.

Today – a cool sage.

Tomorrow – hot rage!

This God-boy is clearly bi-polar.

The Fundamental Facts

Evolution is really quite odd -

a theory we cannot applaud.

You find scholars impressive?

These fools are obsessive -

and EVIL for challenging God!

Poor Darwin did not recognize

that Truth must descend from the skies.

Let me ask once again:

Are you monkeys or men?

Good men never monkey with lies!

Riddle: Where In Hell Are We?

The heat from this place can be felt

when your brain does a gradual melt.

It’s quite large, but feels tight

when you don’t behave right.

Give up? It’s your own Bible Belt!

Another Riddle

Christians have put their own spin

on manners and morals and sin.

There’s not much they miss,

but with angels they guess

How many can dance on a pin?

Why Won’t God Reveal Himself?

I used to enjoy blind-man’s-bluff,

hide-and-seek, and other kid-stuff.

But this Hider’s still hidin’.

that’s why I’m decidin’

This game has gone on long enough.

Devilish Logic

Sometimes I express my frustration

with a world full of cruel devastation.

Then some church-going jerk

tells me: Satan’s at work!

But God is in charge of salvation!

Pastoral Counseling

If you think you’re a miserable sinner,

and your prospects for Heaven grow thinner,

Don’t despair; just BELIEVE!

God has tricks up his sleeve.

He could still declare you a winner.

Free At Last!

I have prayed, I have bowed, I have scraped.

My brain has been washed and reshaped.

Now this 3-in-1 God

is revealed as a fraud.

Thank the Lord, I have finally escaped!

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I humbly thank and dedicate this outrageous little book -

To my dear dad, who loved Limericks, and who would be sitting high in Paradise, if only it existed.

To the dedicated church and Sunday school preachers and teachers who did they best to imbue me with their versions of Truth.

To my mother, who was always mercifully silent on such subjects.

To my three deeply moral and highly irreverent sisters.

To my honest old aunty who, on my Lutheran confirmation day, looked me straight in the eyes and said, “You don’t really believe all that crap, do you?”

And to many God-fearing Christian friends who have helped me to understand how seriously I reject their view of this world and whatever lies beyond. Such faith leaves me in a state of shock and awe.

- PeachTree Grandma

The Unholy Scriptures: Summarized and Pulverized used with permission by LiberatedMind.com

The Unholy Scriptures: Summarized and Pulverized, Ch. 3

LiberatedMind.com — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 13:09:31 +0000

CHAPTER III. GETTING THE WORD OUT

The Council of Nicaea

(Or: The Value of a Good Editor)

Boys, you’ve written a good, strong beginnin’

Now follow with plenty of sinnin’.

We need rape, we need war,

and a whole lot of gore,

and nothin’ that’s written by women.

That virginal twist was inspired.

What talented fellas I hired!

A bush that is burnin’

will keep pages turnin’

but poetry sure makes me tired.

Your description of heaven is swell.

Let’s expand on the fires of hell.

Boys, we’re nearly all done

and I do hafta run –

Do you think that this damned thing will sell?

Editing Genesis

Okay, fellas, gimme a break.

I’m a writer myself, for Christ’s sake!

That garden, I’ll buy -

and a weak-minded guy -

but you can’t keep the talking snake!

Editing the Virgin Birth

That’s an awfully bold fiction we’re shovin’

on people who understand lovin’.

But keep it! That story

leads Mary to glory,

along with the Bun in her oven.

The Easter Story (First Draft)

This chapter’s in really rough shape.

It reads like the work of an ape!

Can we leave this alone?

Empty tomb? Rolling stone?

A dead guy who makes his escape?

Nah, it won’t need a whole lot of fixin’ –

We do have one huge contradiction:

Nobody can rise

From a violent demise.

Let’s label it Creative Fiction!

The First Rejection Note

Such stories! How did you conceive ‘em?

You must have been tempted to heave ‘em!

Some tales are so wild

they would boggle a child.

Did you really believe we’d believe ‘em?

Acceptance – At Last!

I can’t say it doesn’t have flaws,

but we’ll publish this thing, just because

these words will control

the most miserable soul.

Yes, you’ve earned our respect and applause.

Human beings want to feel they are blessed.

Who wants a reality test?

Simple rulebooks are fine

to keep masses in line

but a guy in the sky is the best!

Public Relations

(Slogan: Truth or Consequences)

This Book contains God’s holy story –

a message of peace, hope and glory.

Anyone to reject it

is gonna regret it!

By God, make the consequence gory!

Things Get Ugly

Here’s my quick-and-dirty rendition

of a horror they called Inquisition.

Things got tougher and tougher -

but many must suffer

when God fortifies his position.

The Reformation

(Or: Martin Luther, the Decider)

Some say I am just splitting hairs,

but this Bible needs further repairs

so peasants can read it –

they’re the ones who will need it –

they can’t go through life unawares!

Pompous words are a problem to me.

They’re not user-friendly, you see.

Now, the miracles stay –

those are needed today –

people like magic acts, I agree.

That cannibal stuff needs revision –

I don’t care if I suffer derision.

Eat BREAD and drink WINE

or you’re no friend of mine.

That’s my answer! My final decision!

Next and last, Chapter 4 tomorrow!

The Unholy Scriptures: Summarized and Pulverized used with permission by LiberatedMind.com

The Unholy Scriptures: Summarized and Pulverized, Ch. 2

LiberatedMind.com — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 13:04:22 +0000

Continued from Chapter I. Written by PeachTree Grandma.

CHAPTER II. THE NEW TESTAMENT

The Not-So-Immaculate Conception

Christian girls know that sex is taboo –

so many fun things they can’t do.

Mary sinned and she hid it.

She said a Ghost did it.

(Don’t know how she sold that, do you?)

Finding the Christ Child

Have you tried to follow a star?

That tactic won’t get you too far.

A star will elude

and you’ll have to conclude

that wherever you go, there you are.

Temple Elders Discuss the Boy Wonder

“My God, but this kid takes the prize.”

“I can hardly believe my own eyes!”

“I say that he’s fakin’!”

“Bets need to be taken!”

“A wise-ass? Or wonderfully wise?”

The Groupies

Twelve disciples – not one with a mate –

hanging out with The Lord until late.

I make no suggestion -

I just raise the question:

Do YOU think those cowboys were straight?

The Apostle Paul’s Conversion

(Or: A Funny Thing Happened on the Road to Damascus . . .)

There once was a tyrant named Saul.

That king wasn’t Godly at all.

God said, Presto! You’re blind!

Now maybe you’ll mind!

And that is how Saul became Paul.

Paul’s Advice Regarding Marriage

(Or: How to Douse Your Passion in a Jiffy)

After that, Paul was pretty uptight.

Hot sex really gave him a fright.

“Better marry than burn!”

That’s what he’d have us learn.

(I’m not too convinced he was right.)

Magic Trick #1: The Wedding at Cana

With the wine gone, the guests got abusive.

Jesus said, Please don’t think me intrusive.

I’ll make everything fine –

I’ll turn water to wine!

(That’s a miracle I could make use of!)

Magic Trick #2: Jesus Feeds the Multitudes

A boy with five loaves and three fishes

tried to satisfy everyone’s wishes.

Jesus looked to the sky,

shouted out MULTIPLY!

And behold! He filled hundreds of dishes!

Cheap Tricks (#3 and 4):

Jesus bragged, I don’t know if I ought-er -

but I can raise up your dead daughter.

What’s more, if you like,

I can take a wet hike.

Watch me! I am walkin’ on water!

Jesus Expels Money-Changers From the Temple

When money-men counted their loot

Our Lord had to give ‘em the boot.

Oh, what would he say

about Wall Street today?

Holy Moses! This place is a hoot!

On the Road to Emmaus

Down the road two disciples were goin’

when a spook up ahead started glowin’.

That’s our dead friend, J.C.!

He’s alive as can be!

What a sad lack of faith we’ve been showin’!

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

His robes were as white as the snow -

quite a trick in the desert, you know.

Jesus knew how to groom

from manger to tomb –

as the Hollywood movies will show.

Jesus Is Finished

A Limerick is not the right format

for death – so I will not explore that.

God asked him to die

And he had to comply.

Oh, why was he such a damned doormat?

Next up, Chapter III!

The Unholy Scriptures: Summarized and Pulverized used with permission by LiberatedMind.com

The Unholy Scriptures: Summarized and Pulverized, Ch. 1

LiberatedMind.com — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 13:49:22 +0000

A dear reader of mine wrote these witty limericks about the bible. She asked that her identity be anonymous and took on the pen name “PeachTree Grandma”. She tells me her grandchildren are having their brains washed and spun-dry in a fundamental Christian school every day, plus church on Sunday, which breaks her heart. These delightful writings poke fun at the ludicrous bible stories, enjoy and please comment below if you have the time. I am certain she would appreciate feedback.

THE UNHOLY SCRIPTURES:

Summarized and Pulverized

by PEACHTREE GRANDMA

FOREWORD

This was written from utter frustration

Now I’m sending it out to the nation.

Freethinkers, unite!

We must fight for the right

To engage in some sane conversation.

CHAPTER I. THE OLD TESTAMENT

In the Beginning

Modern scholars, who claim to be bright

say the world wasn’t built overnight.

That thinking must go.

This is God’s Magic Show –

fast-moving, designed to excite.

First act was a lighting display,

Making sunshine was mere child’s play.

Then he strung up the stars,

and the ball we call ours.

(He’s holding those strings yet today.)

Wind and water were next; after that,

forms of life – tall and small, fat and flat.

He performed for six days,

then He needed some praise

so He pulled YOU and ME from his hat!

Paradise Lost

Eden was such a fine place,

but Adam and Eve fell from grace.

A forked tongue was to blame –

yes, a snake brought them shame.

God hissed, What an utter disgrace!

And God’s heart continued to harden.

He was not in the mood for a pardon.

I’ll make you aware

that your bodies are bare,

then kick your butts out of this garden!

High and Dry

It’s your duty, Noah! Don’t shrink!

Go build me a ship that won’t sink.

Bring the critters aboard!

Don’t complain to the Lord!

You’ll get used to the almighty stink.

Bring some dinosaurs too – don’t forget ‘em.

They might go extinct if we let ‘em.

Bring extras! I fear

we have meat-eaters here

and it wouldn’t be wise to upset ‘em.

Forty days, forty nights they all float.

They get off on a mountain remote.

What? You think it’s a fable?

Well, swim if you’re able!

You don’t get to ride on our boat!

Joseph and his Dandy Coat

Joseph’s dad liked him better than best -

Gave him clothes that outdid all the rest.

Said his mean, jealous brothers,

If we had our druthers,

we’d put this young buck to the test.

Let’s throw his ass down a deep well!

That’s something he won’t live to tell!

But God helped him out –

(This gets lengthy, no doubt.

Short version: It all turned out swell.)

Jonah Gets Lucky

A whale swimming deep in the sea

sucked in Jonah as slick as could be,

Spit him back – a whole man!

(Swallow that, if you can

but it sounds pretty fishy to me.)

Daniel Gets Lucky Too!

Now picture this scene: (I’m sure tryin’!)

A boy and a ravenous lion.

The kid’s in a huddle,

the beast wants to cuddle.

(Do ya’ think it’s the lion that’s lyin’?)

Shadrak, Meshak, and Abendigo

Three fellas with weird-sounding names

got a chance to go dance in the flames

They should have been torched

but they weren’t even scorched.

Why CAN’T God keep playing these games?

A Towering Truth

Some Biblical types were hardscrabble.

The worst were no better than rabble.

They hollered in tongues

at the top of their lungs.

and that’s how we got the word BABBLE.

David Slays Goliath

His slingshot was merely a toy

and David was such a small boy.

Yet he killed a giant tall

with no trouble at all.

(Now a tale that tall I enjoy!)

Biblical Hussies

A. Delilah Cuts Up

That girl is a Biblical floozy.

With partners she’s never been choosy

Sampson falls in her lair.

She cuts off his hair –

(Read the story – it’s really a doozy!)

B. Salome Cuts Down John-the-Baptist

This hussy sure knows how to swish.

King says, Darlin, what is you wish?

She says: John-Boy – DEAD! I want his fat head!

Cut it off! Bring it here on a dish!

C. Lot’s Wife Is Petrified

God declares: Soddom’s a hole!

Better leave before heads start to roll.

Straight ahead! Do not halt!

Or I’ll turn you to salt!

But that woman has no self-control

Moses Leads His People Out of Egypt

The desert would have to be crossed,

though the map and directions were tossed.

They wandered and wandered,

four decades they squandered.

Their leader was hopelessly lost.

They found moral guidance, however –

ten rules to confuse us forever:

Don’t be crude! Don’t have fun!

Worship Me, or you’re done!

All in all, quite a useless endeavor.

More About Moses and Those Blasted Commandments

Moses hiked up Mt. Sinai alone

to follow a light he’d been shown.

He and God had a talk;

God wrote rules on a rock.

(Who says nothing’s written in stone?)

Manna in the Desert

When travelers were in a bad way,

God used to throw manna, they say.

Many folks are still needy,

but God’s gotten greedy.

He’s tossin’ no biscuits today.

Moses Parts the Waters

Did you know the Red Sea can divide?

Make a passage that’s straight, dry and wide?

There isn’t much to it,

but in order to do it,

you have to have God on your side.

Once all the good guys have passed through,

here’s another cool trick you can do:

Close that ocean up tight!

It’s a rib-tickling sight

when you drown all the clowns who pursue!

Chapter II: The New Testament is up next!

The Unholy Scriptures: Summarized and Pulverized used with permission by LiberatedMind.com

Holy Naive! Church’s stained-glass window suggests Fellatio.

LiberatedMind.com — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 13:09:11 +0000

Seriously? The church that commissioned this piece either had a sick sense of humor or had their heads so far up their butts they were unable to see the sexual suggestions in the “The boy who kneels before the priests.”

This reminds me of the Jesus and the children light-switch plate.

Vatican Rag – A Jazzy version of Church

LiberatedMind.com — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 13:46:25 +0000

1,2,3 BE HEALED! Governor McDonnell To appear with Prophet.

LiberatedMind.com — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 13:01:08 +0000

The Governor of Virginia will be appearing with this “healing prophet” today. This comes hot on the heals of McDonnell’s blunder in forgetting to mention slavery in his proclamation declaring April “Confederate History Month”.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Daily Show gives the Pope his own Medicine

LiberatedMind.com — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 13:31:17 +0000

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c

Pope Opera

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

Tea Party

Humorus Parent emails School Chaplin about Religious Play

LiberatedMind.com — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 13:42:35 +0000

“The Permission Slip” is one of the most entertaining email exchanges. It speaks for itself. Enjoy!

Christianity in a Nutshell: Ta Dah!

LiberatedMind.com — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 13:00:06 +0000