CHAPTER IV. MAKING NO SENSE OF IT ALL

Ego Problem

Humility must be my plan.

Worship Jesus as much as I can.

He wants me to praise him!

(Why did Mary raise him

to be such an arrogant man?)

Lost Cause

Lord God made a pretty bad bet

sending Jesus to settle my debt.

He who died for my sins

can just do it again

‘cause I ain’t stopped committin’ ‘em yet.

Intercession

Sweet Jesus, you know I adore you,

but plenty of folks lived before you.

You came late to the scene

if you know what I mean.

Have mercy on them, I implore you.

J.C., you have always been kind.

Here’s a thought that I hope you won’t mind.

You could hold make-up classes

to save all their asses

and get yourself out of this bind.

Holy Arithmetic

I can picture the Heavenly Host -

But a Father, a Son and a Ghost?

How one dude can be three

is a mystery to me –

That’s the puzzle that puzzles me most.

Heavenly Choices

Some problems with heaven disturb me.

Won’t those stuffy Believers perturb me?

Do I get a new body?

Do I get to be naughty?

Or will God and his crew try to curb me?

Lord, you’ve promised no sorrow or woe there.

And the angels put on quite a show there.

Here’s the question complex:

Do the angels like sex?

If it’s no, then I don’t want to go there.

Fishers of Men

(Fish? Or Cut Bait?)

Christ said, Fish for men in the sea!

I’ve taken his words literally.

But I cast my net down

and I pull up a clown.

That advice isn’t workin’ for me.

The Gospel, According to Mason and Dixon

In the South there are Christians galore.

These people adore keeping score.

Being gay is a sin,

if you’re poor you can’t win,

if you’re black they subtract even more.

The Savior, who sees this as well,

thinks His lessons were clear as a bell.

These folks aren’t worth savin’

the way they’re behavin’ –

I’m sendin’ ‘em all straight to Hell.

J. C. Is O.K.

J. C. was a very cool dude –

way ahead of his time (which was crude.)

We could use him these days -

the Progressives would praise,

but Conservatives might come unglued.

But Is God A Republican?

That question is worth some debate.

Democratic ideals aren’t so great.

Jesus talked about caring

and giving and sharing

but strong folks need someone to hate.

Our wealth we must never deplete.

All these hand-outs could spell our defeat.

And when things go awry

blame some devilish guy.

That’s the sensible way to compete.

God Talks with Al Gore About Global Warming

You – and your science – are small.

You forget whose controlling it all.

I hate to defy you

but if I want to fry you

I won’t need those charts on the wall.

Diagnosing the Christian Deity

This case is exceedingly odd.

The guy’s got his shorts in a wad.

His delusions are grand

and he can’t understand

his name is not Almighty God.

Though he talks like a happy high-liver,

his tantrums can make a man quiver.

Mood swings are excessive -

he’s passive-aggressive,

makes promises he can’t deliver.

Sometimes he’s quite a cajoler –

more often a nasty controller.

Today – a cool sage.

Tomorrow – hot rage!

This God-boy is clearly bi-polar.

The Fundamental Facts

Evolution is really quite odd -

a theory we cannot applaud.

You find scholars impressive?

These fools are obsessive -

and EVIL for challenging God!

Poor Darwin did not recognize

that Truth must descend from the skies.

Let me ask once again:

Are you monkeys or men?

Good men never monkey with lies!

Riddle: Where In Hell Are We?

The heat from this place can be felt

when your brain does a gradual melt.

It’s quite large, but feels tight

when you don’t behave right.

Give up? It’s your own Bible Belt!

Another Riddle

Christians have put their own spin

on manners and morals and sin.

There’s not much they miss,

but with angels they guess

How many can dance on a pin?

Why Won’t God Reveal Himself?

I used to enjoy blind-man’s-bluff,

hide-and-seek, and other kid-stuff.

But this Hider’s still hidin’.

that’s why I’m decidin’

This game has gone on long enough.

Devilish Logic

Sometimes I express my frustration

with a world full of cruel devastation.

Then some church-going jerk

tells me: Satan’s at work!

But God is in charge of salvation!

Pastoral Counseling

If you think you’re a miserable sinner,

and your prospects for Heaven grow thinner,

Don’t despair; just BELIEVE!

God has tricks up his sleeve.

He could still declare you a winner.

Free At Last!

I have prayed, I have bowed, I have scraped.

My brain has been washed and reshaped.

Now this 3-in-1 God

is revealed as a fraud.

Thank the Lord, I have finally escaped!

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I humbly thank and dedicate this outrageous little book -

To my dear dad, who loved Limericks, and who would be sitting high in Paradise, if only it existed.

To the dedicated church and Sunday school preachers and teachers who did they best to imbue me with their versions of Truth.

To my mother, who was always mercifully silent on such subjects.

To my three deeply moral and highly irreverent sisters.

To my honest old aunty who, on my Lutheran confirmation day, looked me straight in the eyes and said, “You don’t really believe all that crap, do you?”

And to many God-fearing Christian friends who have helped me to understand how seriously I reject their view of this world and whatever lies beyond. Such faith leaves me in a state of shock and awe.

- PeachTree Grandma

The Unholy Scriptures: Summarized and Pulverized used with permission by LiberatedMind.com