Continued from Chapter I. Written by PeachTree Grandma.
CHAPTER II. THE NEW TESTAMENT
The Not-So-Immaculate Conception
Christian girls know that sex is taboo –
so many fun things they can’t do.
Mary sinned and she hid it.
She said a Ghost did it.
(Don’t know how she sold that, do you?)
Finding the Christ Child
Have you tried to follow a star?
That tactic won’t get you too far.
A star will elude
and you’ll have to conclude
that wherever you go, there you are.
Temple Elders Discuss the Boy Wonder
“My God, but this kid takes the prize.”
“I can hardly believe my own eyes!”
“I say that he’s fakin’!”
“Bets need to be taken!”
“A wise-ass? Or wonderfully wise?”
The Groupies
Twelve disciples – not one with a mate –
hanging out with The Lord until late.
I make no suggestion -
I just raise the question:
Do YOU think those cowboys were straight?
The Apostle Paul’s Conversion
(Or: A Funny Thing Happened on the Road to Damascus . . .)
There once was a tyrant named Saul.
That king wasn’t Godly at all.
God said, Presto! You’re blind!
Now maybe you’ll mind!
And that is how Saul became Paul.
Paul’s Advice Regarding Marriage
(Or: How to Douse Your Passion in a Jiffy)
After that, Paul was pretty uptight.
Hot sex really gave him a fright.
“Better marry than burn!”
That’s what he’d have us learn.
(I’m not too convinced he was right.)
Magic Trick #1: The Wedding at Cana
With the wine gone, the guests got abusive.
Jesus said, Please don’t think me intrusive.
I’ll make everything fine –
I’ll turn water to wine!
(That’s a miracle I could make use of!)
Magic Trick #2: Jesus Feeds the Multitudes
A boy with five loaves and three fishes
tried to satisfy everyone’s wishes.
Jesus looked to the sky,
shouted out MULTIPLY!
And behold! He filled hundreds of dishes!
Cheap Tricks (#3 and 4):
Jesus bragged, I don’t know if I ought-er -
but I can raise up your dead daughter.
What’s more, if you like,
I can take a wet hike.
Watch me! I am walkin’ on water!
Jesus Expels Money-Changers From the Temple
When money-men counted their loot
Our Lord had to give ‘em the boot.
Oh, what would he say
about Wall Street today?
Holy Moses! This place is a hoot!
On the Road to Emmaus
Down the road two disciples were goin’
when a spook up ahead started glowin’.
That’s our dead friend, J.C.!
He’s alive as can be!
What a sad lack of faith we’ve been showin’!
Cleanliness is Next to Godliness
His robes were as white as the snow -
quite a trick in the desert, you know.
Jesus knew how to groom
from manger to tomb –
as the Hollywood movies will show.
Jesus Is Finished
A Limerick is not the right format
for death – so I will not explore that.
God asked him to die
And he had to comply.
Oh, why was he such a damned doormat?
Next up, Chapter III!
The Unholy Scriptures: Summarized and Pulverized used with permission by LiberatedMind.com
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Tags: atheist, bible, Chapter 2, christian, funny, limerick, PeachTree Grandma, religion, Summarized and Pulverized, The Unholy Scriptures
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Reading The Unhold Scriptures by Peach Tree Grama is refreshing. I was brought up strict Methodist and found the Unitarian Universalists in Appleton, WI about 40 years ago. My spirituality is a process not to be bound by a book of fables and myths written by men to teach morals and control the masses thru translations. Hats off to Grama! Hope she puts out some more things like this and that she has friends that are safe to “talk to” about issues like organized religion and politics.
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I love these. They remind me of the butchering of church songs I would do with friends (with racy lyrics), way back in my Mormon days.
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Thanks, Ronna and Malcolm Glad you are enjoying my limericks. I’d love to share them with a few people in this Bible Belt town but I’d have to start packing my bags and I’m not quite ready to make my escape. Tune in Wed. and Thurs. for more fun . . .!
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These are absolutely hilarious. Very clever……also an effective remedy against the ” religion virus” which has grown into such a virulant pandemic in recent decades, destroying the capacity for rational thought in so many brains around the globe. It is good to know there are people like Peachtree Crandma who somehow have healthy immunity and are so witty besides. I can’t wait for the next installment! Thank you for spreading this very funny gospel.
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