A dear reader of mine wrote these witty limericks about the bible. She asked that her identity be anonymous and took on the pen name “PeachTree Grandma”. She tells me her grandchildren are having their brains washed and spun-dry in a fundamental Christian school every day, plus church on Sunday, which breaks her heart. These delightful writings poke fun at the ludicrous bible stories, enjoy and please comment below if you have the time. I am certain she would appreciate feedback. :)
THE UNHOLY SCRIPTURES:
Summarized and Pulverized
by PEACHTREE GRANDMA
FOREWORD
This was written from utter frustration
Now I’m sending it out to the nation.
Freethinkers, unite!
We must fight for the right
To engage in some sane conversation.
CHAPTER I. THE OLD TESTAMENT
In the Beginning
Modern scholars, who claim to be bright
say the world wasn’t built overnight.
That thinking must go.
This is God’s Magic Show –
fast-moving, designed to excite.
First act was a lighting display,
Making sunshine was mere child’s play.
Then he strung up the stars,
and the ball we call ours.
(He’s holding those strings yet today.)
Wind and water were next; after that,
forms of life – tall and small, fat and flat.
He performed for six days,
then He needed some praise
so He pulled YOU and ME from his hat!
Paradise Lost
Eden was such a fine place,
but Adam and Eve fell from grace.
A forked tongue was to blame –
yes, a snake brought them shame.
God hissed, What an utter disgrace!
And God’s heart continued to harden.
He was not in the mood for a pardon.
I’ll make you aware
that your bodies are bare,
then kick your butts out of this garden!
High and Dry
It’s your duty, Noah! Don’t shrink!
Go build me a ship that won’t sink.
Bring the critters aboard!
Don’t complain to the Lord!
You’ll get used to the almighty stink.
Bring some dinosaurs too – don’t forget ‘em.
They might go extinct if we let ‘em.
Bring extras! I fear
we have meat-eaters here
and it wouldn’t be wise to upset ‘em.
Forty days, forty nights they all float.
They get off on a mountain remote.
What? You think it’s a fable?
Well, swim if you’re able!
You don’t get to ride on our boat!
Joseph and his Dandy Coat
Joseph’s dad liked him better than best -
Gave him clothes that outdid all the rest.
Said his mean, jealous brothers,
If we had our druthers,
we’d put this young buck to the test.
Let’s throw his ass down a deep well!
That’s something he won’t live to tell!
But God helped him out –
(This gets lengthy, no doubt.
Short version: It all turned out swell.)
Jonah Gets Lucky
A whale swimming deep in the sea
sucked in Jonah as slick as could be,
Spit him back – a whole man!
(Swallow that, if you can
but it sounds pretty fishy to me.)
Daniel Gets Lucky Too!
Now picture this scene: (I’m sure tryin’!)
A boy and a ravenous lion.
The kid’s in a huddle,
the beast wants to cuddle.
(Do ya’ think it’s the lion that’s lyin’?)
Shadrak, Meshak, and Abendigo
Three fellas with weird-sounding names
got a chance to go dance in the flames
They should have been torched
but they weren’t even scorched.
Why CAN’T God keep playing these games?
A Towering Truth
Some Biblical types were hardscrabble.
The worst were no better than rabble.
They hollered in tongues
at the top of their lungs.
and that’s how we got the word BABBLE.
David Slays Goliath
His slingshot was merely a toy
and David was such a small boy.
Yet he killed a giant tall
with no trouble at all.
(Now a tale that tall I enjoy!)
Biblical Hussies
A. Delilah Cuts Up
That girl is a Biblical floozy.
With partners she’s never been choosy
Sampson falls in her lair.
She cuts off his hair –
(Read the story – it’s really a doozy!)
B. Salome Cuts Down John-the-Baptist
This hussy sure knows how to swish.
King says, Darlin, what is you wish?
She says: John-Boy – DEAD! I want his fat head!
Cut it off! Bring it here on a dish!
C. Lot’s Wife Is Petrified
God declares: Soddom’s a hole!
Better leave before heads start to roll.
Straight ahead! Do not halt!
Or I’ll turn you to salt!
But that woman has no self-control
Moses Leads His People Out of Egypt
The desert would have to be crossed,
though the map and directions were tossed.
They wandered and wandered,
four decades they squandered.
Their leader was hopelessly lost.
They found moral guidance, however –
ten rules to confuse us forever:
Don’t be crude! Don’t have fun!
Worship Me, or you’re done!
All in all, quite a useless endeavor.
More About Moses and Those Blasted Commandments
Moses hiked up Mt. Sinai alone
to follow a light he’d been shown.
He and God had a talk;
God wrote rules on a rock.
(Who says nothing’s written in stone?)
Manna in the Desert
When travelers were in a bad way,
God used to throw manna, they say.
Many folks are still needy,
but God’s gotten greedy.
He’s tossin’ no biscuits today.
Moses Parts the Waters
Did you know the Red Sea can divide?
Make a passage that’s straight, dry and wide?
There isn’t much to it,
but in order to do it,
you have to have God on your side.
Once all the good guys have passed through,
here’s another cool trick you can do:
Close that ocean up tight!
It’s a rib-tickling sight
when you drown all the clowns who pursue!
Chapter II: The New Testament is up next!
The Unholy Scriptures: Summarized and Pulverized used with permission by LiberatedMind.com
